Monthly Poem and Pictograph in EL (November 2003)

[Goodnight Stars] by Debi Bender

. . . .
This is an EL (Earth Language) experimental page to enjoy
the image of a haiku/short poem originally in English/Japanese.

When you can't see the Japanese parts, please don't mind and just skip those parts.

For this month, I'm using DW Bender's haiku for the second time from one of my favorite web sites, " Paper Lanterns" by her. Although I'm little shy because her original art is much more beautiful. She is a visual artist, haikuist and the editor of World Haiku Review (WHR).

BTW, when I was reading WHR, I was impressed by her translations. In many cases, sequences of words in a sentence in English and Japanese are  opposite; so for this corner, I have often translated haiku ignoring the sequence of words. But here: Hoshino Tsubaki's haiku, her translations are always so honest to follow each line making sense in the total view. (it's possible!) In the same page, Susumu Takiguchi sometimes translates changing sequence though. For translating into EL, I have tried to be kind to English readers, but from now on, I'd like to translate more honestly to the original like her, at least I'll try. This time, the Japanese is also translated line by line.
I imagined this season through this haiku. The sky is endlessly deep and I feel as if it sucks me up inside. But it's chilly and I miss blankets to nestle myself in. Then this happens.

今月は、わたしのお気に入りサイト「 Paper Lanterns」のオーナーで、 World Haiku Review (WHR)の編集者でもあるデビ・ベンダーさんの作に2度目の登場をしてもらいます。画家でもある彼女の 元のサイトが素晴らしいので、恐縮ですが・・
ところで、WHRのなかの この頁を読んでいて、デビさんの訳が1行ずつ忠実に順どおりに英語化され、しかもよくイメージを汲んでいるのに驚きました。ふつう、日本語と英語では語順が逆になることが多いのに、そうしなくても訳せるんだ!と、ちょっと新発見でした。

Original haiku by DW Bender

goodnight, stars,
when I close my eyes
you are in them




{ opened,{ sense, }feeling}: pleasant, merrily, enjoy (快)
{ (a part of the sun ), other side, time}:  night (夜)
Greeting word and * : greeting someone, calling *
(between two dots, pointing out to show calling *; here the greeting is for "stars")
* goodnight, *,  (おやすみ * さん)
(You can use the all mighty  greeting symbol instead of this way, too.)

{ the sun, { line, same} the same kind}: star(s) (太陽の同類として:恒星)
(You can compound the plural mark on the star symbol to show "stars", but here I took another way repeating the same symbols. (星の記号に複数を示す記号を重ねる表現もできるが、ここでは、「星々」のような表現にした)
: time  (とき)
(As a modifying phrase, it could be compounded with the preposition mark, but since the line separated with the subject of this sentence, and in a poetical occasion, I left it out. 
.... : definition brackets with the preposition mark; the content modifies the front word
(前置符つきの表意括弧:中身が 前の語を修飾する)
{ to form a pronoun, back}(related to this hand-sign): I (in this case) (わたし)
: d-verb symbol to form a verb (動詞符)
(picture-like fundamental character): eye/eyes 目 (available to be compounded with the plural mark, but in this case, it's not such important to be clear for plural)
{ deny, opened}: closed (閉じた)
: a verb with all of them, meaned "close my (the subject's of this sentence) eyes"
See the verb section for more details about verbs (動詞のコーナー を参照してください)

: (as the basis form) to show the following word is the subject of a sentence (主語を示すマーク)
{{ to form a pronoun,front} (you), plural}: you (as plural) (あなたたち)
{ to show d-verb, existence}: be (いる)
{ inside, the preposition mark}: in (のなかに)
{ , point}: it ("them" here) (それ)
(This also can be with as "them", but EL is not so fussy about single/plural for general terms )

Thank you very much, DW Bender , for the following note:

Once again, you honor me. Thank you for writing and for making a new EL
haiku with one of mine.
Also for the complements on my efforts with Mr. Takiguchi in translating
Tsubaki-san's haiku. I am glad you liked my versions.
For that work, Susumu provided the romaji with definition for each
Japanese word, along with his suggested, "raw" translation, and I worked
with the romaji as well as the kanji script and definitions (both his and
what Japanese/English dictionaries offered). For some, he chose to keep his
raw translation, and for others, my versions which were accomplished with
the basics he laid out for each, as well as some discussion on several to
try to come up with the best interpretation for the versions.

I like the EL pictorial translation of my haiku which you made! It looks
just like the poem reads. I also like the way you wrote it in EL with two
symbols for "star" instead of a plural sign. The EL verse is much more
poetic looking that way!!!

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